GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
You Might Also Like
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.