government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
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Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
This is a whole mood;
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought