Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
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Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.