Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work