Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
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Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”