Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”