@Parentpains

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

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@DaddyJew

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

@jordan_stratton

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

@TechnicallyRon

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

@justinshanes

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

@sharpular

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

@neiltyson

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

@JessObsess

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

@dyldonot

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

@SomeChrisTweets

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!