Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
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So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I’ve been drinking.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”