Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
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Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!