Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
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White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
This anagram machine is out of order.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????