GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
You Might Also Like
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
☺️
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Lmao
When can I start eating bats again.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
everyone has that one prude friend
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
same vibe as tangled headphones
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?