GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
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magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals