GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
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Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?