“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Heroic Misunderstanding
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.