Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
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[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus