*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
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[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.