Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
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the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I’m good, thanks.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.