*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
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Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt