– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Lmao
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Meat Cute
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard