*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
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Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no