[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?