*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water