[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
You Might Also Like
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Everything reminds me of my ex
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.