GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
You Might Also Like
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
This January has 47 Mondays
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys