Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

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So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma


If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss


Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.


Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”


I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards


I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.


I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts


A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”


If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.