@shaztaberry

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

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@DarkerWillow

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

@kelkulus

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

@Thynebear

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

@haze103

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

@bridger_w

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

@torrami

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

@moxieblogger

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.