“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
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the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
how high up are we talkin’?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”