Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
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Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Do not steal food from the science building!
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s