Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I鈥檓 going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he鈥檚 a smooth criminal
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 馃幎
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 馃泚
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
It was worth a shot 馃槀
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
People I hate when I鈥檓 driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I鈥檓 driving.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn鈥檛 say things like that?