Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
You Might Also Like
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
no such thing as a dumb question
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair