[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
yall want some gasoline milk
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Okay me first
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no