Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
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Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. đ
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show⌠Youâre never too old to cook chicken
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way Iâm running that far.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
âJudy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved youâ
âmy name is Deniseâ
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*