Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
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A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
😆this is so true
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.