@maebemarbles

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

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@CulturedRuffian

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

@Ivsy01

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

@JDBooie

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

@aparnapkin

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

@vineyille

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

@AmberTozer

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

@dshack8

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

@SomthinBoutSara

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

@

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.