@wildethingy Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
@paulblue23 Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
You Might Also Like
@wildethingy 
@Rollinintheseat Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
@Brampersandon_ ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
@LibertyLayne01 Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
@Brentweets I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
@Cpin42 Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
@UNDEADTRESOR There’s no “u” in narcissist
@brendohare Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
@candyflippin why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
@veggiefemme My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)