Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)