Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
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Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
3% human
97% stress
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.