grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
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My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Well, shit
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.