*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
#dnd #ttrpg
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?