Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
PLEASE READ
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
choose your gary
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.