Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
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Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Florida man
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️