Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
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The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us