Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
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ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
It be like that sometimes 😆
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.