grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted