grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
How I’d get arrested…
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna