@Chhapiness

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

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@Cpin42

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

@Jake_Vig

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

@Ygrene

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

@i_love_fudge

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

@Browtweaten

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

@TheAlexP

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

@sixfootcandy

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

@Blarebare

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.