grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.