grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.


The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.


[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane


My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.


[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what


Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*


[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.


“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.


Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.