@Chhapiness

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

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@causticbob

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

@MoistPork

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

@robfee

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

@TheRolo

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

@AmandasNotFunny

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

@desi_princess

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

@TravLeBlanc

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

@david8hughes

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”