My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)
ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.