Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”