Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
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Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.