[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
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Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?