GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Reporter: *ports again*
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking