Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.


Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot


Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”


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M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
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13: 29
M: Done.


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Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.


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