Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
mood
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.