@MissBamanthaa

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

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@TeflonPawn

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

@Maxine12333

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

@DarkerWillow

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

@ilovepie84

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

@noog

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

@sarcasticmommy4

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

@merican_ninjy

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

@ItsAndyRyan

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.