Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Me My dog
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs