grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
You Might Also Like
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.