*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
You Might Also Like
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Match dot com, but for socks.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000