GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
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This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.